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TRICKED
It's freezing cold in the bus shelter, and there's only just enough light from the streetlamps to see Rachel's face. She's squinting past me, biting her lip.
I've had enough,' I say. 'My Mum'll kill me if she notices I'm not in bed.'
Rachel frowns and ignores me.
'I can't believe I agreed to come,' I say. 'Nothing is going to happen. This is so stu—'
'Shut up!' She shoves an elbow into my ribs and leans forward, staring. From the note in her voice I can tell she's seen something. I follow her gaze, but all I can see is shadows.
Rachel looks round at me. 'Ready?'
I take a deep breath. Suddenly my heart is beating too fast.
'Ready,' I say.
I didn't know why I said I was ready. But Rachel grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of street – which was empty from vehicles – where the trees' shadows swallowed us slowly. The streetlights were dimming behind us as leaves and twigs crunched under our shoes. My hands began to sweat.
This was crazy. I was forced to come because Rachel threatened to tell Mum I was flunking Geometry…that stupid subject! But the darkness formed different hallucinations in my mind.
Finally, I found my own force to pull back from Rachel's grip and came to a halt. 'You don't want to believe those childish tales, do you?' I asked, panting.
Little amount of moonlight passed through umbrella of leaves above enabled me to see faintly Rachel's frown that creased her forehead. 'Don't tell me you're scared,' she said.
'I'm not! I just… you see, the night's deep and I'm kinda sleepy. We better go home.'
'No excuses.' She grabbed my arm again. 'We're going to see ourselves if those childish tales are true or not. Come on, if you don't want me to tell your Mum.'
'Who the heck's the source of that tale?' I demanded, suddenly sweating. Rachel just dragged me along without knowing much about her plan.
'Kevin and Leo. Remember those boastful storytellers?'
'Who'd forget them? Remember their last story? It was about—'
Rachel cut me off with her warning look. 'Don't remind me that failure!'
'But you—'
I was hopeless. I knew how Rachel was obsessed in any kinds of tales that wandered in all corners of school. She'd boasted some of them true while others were left unfolded. But this was the second time she forced me along with her – the first time was a failure and I didn't want talking about it - though she knew I'd be no use... or maybe she wanted a witness for her success.
'No turning back now,' she said with a tone of finality as she pulled me deeper into the woods and darkness. I felt my mouth dumb that I couldn't protest. Kevin and Leo had invented another story about wandering bloody-white-ladies in some part in these woods. I didn't know how much deal would it cost Rachel to find the bloody-white-ladies but somehow I adored her braveness. She wasn't like me, a boy, who easily got scared.
We got too deep now and I was trembling. That was it. Being scared left me dumbfounded, if not fainted. Rachel was beginning to relax her grip when an owl's hoot tensed me up. I looked round as I heard soft rustles behind me. Rachel's grip went alarmingly tight.
'This is it. Leo and Kevin told me that the first sign of bloody-white-ladies' show up was the owl's hoot,' she whispered and I saw her teeth flashed white in the gloom. 'We've got to wait. By the way, I brought my camera,' she tapped a small bag attached on a thick belt around her waist. I noticed it only now. 'just in case we're lucky enough to meet those ladies.'
Lucky? I thought not as a sudden loud rustle gave my heart a great failure and, hardly daring to believe, out of the shadows from the trees around us, emerged a glowing white curtain that floated right on front of us! No, my eyes deceived me. It wasn't a curtain but a gown billowing in the wind, tattered in several places and smeared with blood on hems and sleeves. I looked slowly up to meet that dark waterfall that covered its face but I glimpsed glowing yellow eyes behind that waterfall.
I felt Rachel behind me, her hand holding camera trembled. My voice was lost…I couldn't scream. Luckily, Rachel did it for me.
'Run!' she shouted, seized my arm, and pulled me into nowhere, clutching on one hand the camera.
There was only an instant to think as another glowing-white-bloody-lady floated ahead of us. We turned around to find the first bloody-white-lady whom we thought we escaped. I didn't know what to be scared about—their horrible faces or I and Rachel's doom.
Rachel raised her camera. Her fingers trembled that she didn't know where the capture-button was. A wind blew, strong enough to knock her camera out her hand and broke on the ground. The two ladies smiled.
Trembling equally, I went to Rachel's back to cover myself from those faces. But she also went to my back to take cover. I thought you were brave, I wanted to say…but not this time. My heart was beating too fast again.
The two ladies floated lazily towards us, trapping us in the middle. Rachel let out a short scream before she fell unconscious. I caught her in my arms, crouched, and closed my eyes tightly…
Laughter floated in the air and reached my ears. They weren't the same laughter I expected from the ladies, after all, but mocking laughter I was sure where were from.
I opened my eyes only to find the place where Rachel and I were was lit with huge flashlights hanging above the low sturdy branches. The two ladies revealed the faces of the class' storytellers no other than Leo and Kevin, their dark wigs in their arms. They were suspended in the midair by some ropes attached around their waists.
'Did you see that? They almost believe it!' Kevin said, laughing.
Then there were my classmates – probably the storytellers' accomplices to set up this dreadful night – too, roaring with laughter.
'How did you do that?' I demanded, annoyed. Rachel was still unconscious.
'With help from the whole class, of course!' replied Leo. 'Especially from you two and with some glow-in-the-dark costumes. Aw, you look really meant for each other, Lime!'
I blushed but didn't let Rachel go from my embrace. The exhausted night continued until the next morning when Mum decreased my usual allowance by almost seventy-five percent for catching my bed empty. Maybe this was the consequence I should be ready about.
THE END
It's freezing cold in the bus shelter, and there's only just enough light from the streetlamps to see Rachel's face. She's squinting past me, biting her lip.
I've had enough,' I say. 'My Mum'll kill me if she notices I'm not in bed.'
Rachel frowns and ignores me.
'I can't believe I agreed to come,' I say. 'Nothing is going to happen. This is so stu—'
'Shut up!' She shoves an elbow into my ribs and leans forward, staring. From the note in her voice I can tell she's seen something. I follow her gaze, but all I can see is shadows.
Rachel looks round at me. 'Ready?'
I take a deep breath. Suddenly my heart is beating too fast.
'Ready,' I say.
I didn't know why I said I was ready. But Rachel grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of street – which was empty from vehicles – where the trees' shadows swallowed us slowly. The streetlights were dimming behind us as leaves and twigs crunched under our shoes. My hands began to sweat.
This was crazy. I was forced to come because Rachel threatened to tell Mum I was flunking Geometry…that stupid subject! But the darkness formed different hallucinations in my mind.
Finally, I found my own force to pull back from Rachel's grip and came to a halt. 'You don't want to believe those childish tales, do you?' I asked, panting.
Little amount of moonlight passed through umbrella of leaves above enabled me to see faintly Rachel's frown that creased her forehead. 'Don't tell me you're scared,' she said.
'I'm not! I just… you see, the night's deep and I'm kinda sleepy. We better go home.'
'No excuses.' She grabbed my arm again. 'We're going to see ourselves if those childish tales are true or not. Come on, if you don't want me to tell your Mum.'
'Who the heck's the source of that tale?' I demanded, suddenly sweating. Rachel just dragged me along without knowing much about her plan.
'Kevin and Leo. Remember those boastful storytellers?'
'Who'd forget them? Remember their last story? It was about—'
Rachel cut me off with her warning look. 'Don't remind me that failure!'
'But you—'
I was hopeless. I knew how Rachel was obsessed in any kinds of tales that wandered in all corners of school. She'd boasted some of them true while others were left unfolded. But this was the second time she forced me along with her – the first time was a failure and I didn't want talking about it - though she knew I'd be no use... or maybe she wanted a witness for her success.
'No turning back now,' she said with a tone of finality as she pulled me deeper into the woods and darkness. I felt my mouth dumb that I couldn't protest. Kevin and Leo had invented another story about wandering bloody-white-ladies in some part in these woods. I didn't know how much deal would it cost Rachel to find the bloody-white-ladies but somehow I adored her braveness. She wasn't like me, a boy, who easily got scared.
We got too deep now and I was trembling. That was it. Being scared left me dumbfounded, if not fainted. Rachel was beginning to relax her grip when an owl's hoot tensed me up. I looked round as I heard soft rustles behind me. Rachel's grip went alarmingly tight.
'This is it. Leo and Kevin told me that the first sign of bloody-white-ladies' show up was the owl's hoot,' she whispered and I saw her teeth flashed white in the gloom. 'We've got to wait. By the way, I brought my camera,' she tapped a small bag attached on a thick belt around her waist. I noticed it only now. 'just in case we're lucky enough to meet those ladies.'
Lucky? I thought not as a sudden loud rustle gave my heart a great failure and, hardly daring to believe, out of the shadows from the trees around us, emerged a glowing white curtain that floated right on front of us! No, my eyes deceived me. It wasn't a curtain but a gown billowing in the wind, tattered in several places and smeared with blood on hems and sleeves. I looked slowly up to meet that dark waterfall that covered its face but I glimpsed glowing yellow eyes behind that waterfall.
I felt Rachel behind me, her hand holding camera trembled. My voice was lost…I couldn't scream. Luckily, Rachel did it for me.
'Run!' she shouted, seized my arm, and pulled me into nowhere, clutching on one hand the camera.
There was only an instant to think as another glowing-white-bloody-lady floated ahead of us. We turned around to find the first bloody-white-lady whom we thought we escaped. I didn't know what to be scared about—their horrible faces or I and Rachel's doom.
Rachel raised her camera. Her fingers trembled that she didn't know where the capture-button was. A wind blew, strong enough to knock her camera out her hand and broke on the ground. The two ladies smiled.
Trembling equally, I went to Rachel's back to cover myself from those faces. But she also went to my back to take cover. I thought you were brave, I wanted to say…but not this time. My heart was beating too fast again.
The two ladies floated lazily towards us, trapping us in the middle. Rachel let out a short scream before she fell unconscious. I caught her in my arms, crouched, and closed my eyes tightly…
Laughter floated in the air and reached my ears. They weren't the same laughter I expected from the ladies, after all, but mocking laughter I was sure where were from.
I opened my eyes only to find the place where Rachel and I were was lit with huge flashlights hanging above the low sturdy branches. The two ladies revealed the faces of the class' storytellers no other than Leo and Kevin, their dark wigs in their arms. They were suspended in the midair by some ropes attached around their waists.
'Did you see that? They almost believe it!' Kevin said, laughing.
Then there were my classmates – probably the storytellers' accomplices to set up this dreadful night – too, roaring with laughter.
'How did you do that?' I demanded, annoyed. Rachel was still unconscious.
'With help from the whole class, of course!' replied Leo. 'Especially from you two and with some glow-in-the-dark costumes. Aw, you look really meant for each other, Lime!'
I blushed but didn't let Rachel go from my embrace. The exhausted night continued until the next morning when Mum decreased my usual allowance by almost seventy-five percent for catching my bed empty. Maybe this was the consequence I should be ready about.
THE END
Hallo !! I'm so sorry if cannot submit drawings these days... I just can't find time to finish them !! I'm just hoping you'll understand. Promise, I'll submit all my stocked works here before the 1st quarter test... But it'll be appreciated if you also read my works and critique (or comment) on them...
Hhhah...!! Calling all young writers !!
The story is the one that I entered in annual Henrietta Branford Writing Competetion. Luckily, it didn't win because I wouldn't deserve if it had anyway. Hhaha, what a silly story, it is !! I was planning to throw it away because I failed but something made me submit it here...
The rule is to continue last year’s Branford Boase winning author BR Collins' starting paragraph of :
t’s freezing cold in the bus shelter, and there’s only just enough light from the streetlamps to see Rachel’s face. She’s squinting past me, biting her lip.
I've had enough,’ I say. ‘My Mum’ll kill me if she notices I’m not in bed.’
Rachel frowns and ignores me.
‘I can’t believe I agreed to come,’ I say. ‘Nothing is going to happen. This is so stu—’
‘Shut up!’ She shoves an elbow into my ribs and leans forward, staring. From the note in her voice I can tell she’s seen something. I follow her gaze, but all I can see is shadows.
Rachel looks round at me. ‘Ready?’
I take a deep breath. Suddenly my heart is beating too fast.
‘Ready,’ I say.
Hahha, what a silly continuation I invented to my story !! Actually, I sent that story (away !) to Miss Roberts' Unicorn, the Reclusive Muse. In GOD's mercy, Miss Roberts published it to her blog !! You can see it HERE... and ever since Reclusive Muse commented ---
Being an enchanted creature myself, I loved the “bloody white ladies” – you can almost see them floating in the woods, even though they turn out to be a practical joke in the end. It is interesting that Rachel, who starts out by acting tough, faints into the reluctant hero’s arms… who then discovers he is braver than he thought! The Muse also liked the way the hero is made to pay (literally) for his happy ending, which brings this fantasy tale neatly back to reality where it began. ---
My spirit rose !!
Awh, words fail me !! I hope more youngsters will join Miss Roberts' blog.. ahha... PLEASE !!
Okie, that's all !! Comments and faves are welcomed !!
SMILE AND BE HAPPY ALWAYS !!
LoVeLoTs,
=ALzRitH
Hhhah...!! Calling all young writers !!
The story is the one that I entered in annual Henrietta Branford Writing Competetion. Luckily, it didn't win because I wouldn't deserve if it had anyway. Hhaha, what a silly story, it is !! I was planning to throw it away because I failed but something made me submit it here... The rule is to continue last year’s Branford Boase winning author BR Collins' starting paragraph of :t’s freezing cold in the bus shelter, and there’s only just enough light from the streetlamps to see Rachel’s face. She’s squinting past me, biting her lip.
I've had enough,’ I say. ‘My Mum’ll kill me if she notices I’m not in bed.’
Rachel frowns and ignores me.
‘I can’t believe I agreed to come,’ I say. ‘Nothing is going to happen. This is so stu—’
‘Shut up!’ She shoves an elbow into my ribs and leans forward, staring. From the note in her voice I can tell she’s seen something. I follow her gaze, but all I can see is shadows.
Rachel looks round at me. ‘Ready?’
I take a deep breath. Suddenly my heart is beating too fast.
‘Ready,’ I say.
Hahha, what a silly continuation I invented to my story !! Actually, I sent that story (away !) to Miss Roberts' Unicorn, the Reclusive Muse. In GOD's mercy, Miss Roberts published it to her blog !! You can see it HERE... and ever since Reclusive Muse commented ---Being an enchanted creature myself, I loved the “bloody white ladies” – you can almost see them floating in the woods, even though they turn out to be a practical joke in the end. It is interesting that Rachel, who starts out by acting tough, faints into the reluctant hero’s arms… who then discovers he is braver than he thought! The Muse also liked the way the hero is made to pay (literally) for his happy ending, which brings this fantasy tale neatly back to reality where it began. ---
My spirit rose !!
Awh, words fail me !! I hope more youngsters will join Miss Roberts' blog.. ahha... PLEASE !!
Okie, that's all !! Comments and faves are welcomed !!
SMILE AND BE HAPPY ALWAYS !!
LoVeLoTs,
=ALzRitH © 2010 - 2024 aLzRitH
Comments32
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactHello there! First of all, I'm very sorry for the delay in this critique, but I hope it's worth the wait. I think it's fair to say that I haven't critiqued in a few months, so feel free to dispute anything you find unfair on my part.
From what I have read in the comments, I'm assuming that English is not your first language. I kind of got that impression anyway while reading this, but I didn't want to make any assumptions. However, when I take into consideration how old you are and how there are parts of this that are perfectly legible, I would say that this is a pretty good job. The problem with people knowing English is not your first language is that people can simply make comments such as "Work on your English", but how are you supposed to do that when they don't pinpoint what mistakes you're making? In this critique, I'll try my best to highlight anything that doesn't translate well in English for you to learn from. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> When you're given an extract to work from that's mostly dialogue, something I would aim to do is to establish both a setting and the characters themselves. In this piece, not only did I struggle to imagine the setting due to a lack of description, but I thought the narrator was a girl until you included the word 'boy' around halfway through. Not only that, but you sometimes make references to things and then don't comment on them until later. For example, you mentioned believing in 'those childish tales', then you didn't say what the tale was until later. As you continue to write, you will learn to 'add meat' to your writing, adding more important descriptions to separate dialogue; right now, it's a clichéd case of 'practice makes perfect'. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> One thing I noticed straight away when reading this is that you changed the tense of the extract you were given. While the extract is written in first-person present tense (e.g. "I say"), you changed it to first-person past tense (e.g. "I said"). I know first-person present is quite a strange tense to work with if you're not familiar with it, but always try to be consistent with your tenses when writing.<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> Consider this sentence:- I didn't know why I said I was ready. But Rachel grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of street – which was empty from vehicles – where the trees' shadows swallowed us slowly.
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> I know I sound a bit like Microsoft Word here, but starting a sentence with 'but' creates a sentence fragment and should be avoided. There are times when 'but' is suitable, but not when it appears unnecessary to start a new sentence. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Red"/> I think you are trying to be a bit too experimental with your punctuation in this sentence. While dashes can be used to extend sentences in the way that you have, it's usually in order to draw attention to what is between the dashes. The fact that the street is empty from vehicles isn't very important, so it's best not to use dashes. This is how the sentence reads when kept simple:- I didn't know why I said I was ready, but Rachel grabbed my arm and pulled me to the other side of street. The street was empty from vehicles, and when we arrived, we were swallowed slowly by the shadows of the trees.
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> This may just be me, but I would've liked to have seen the geometry point expanded on. The simple inclusion of why he hated geometry and what his mother would have done if she found out would have added a bit of character development and would have relaxed the tone temporarily before the build-up. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> One thing I noticed in this is that you always give 'mum' a capital letter. A little tip for you, 'mum' should only be capitalised if it is in place of a mother's name. If you are just saying 'my mum', it's not capitalised. Example:"My mum's name is Sarah, but I just call her Mum".
"Where the hell did Mum go?" Claire asked.
"Your mum should be in the kitchen," Dad said.
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> When I was reading the dialogue in this, I felt that some of the things characters were saying didn't really feel like things people normally say. For example, people don't really use phrases such as "The night's deep" and "boastful storytellers". Always try to keep your dialogue simple so that it actually reflects everyday speech. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" title="Bullet; Purple"/> It's slightly too long to copy and paste, but the section starting with 'This is it. Leo and Kevin...' and ending with 'meet those ladies' is far too long. This could be remedied by learning to separate narration and speech, something which will prove invaluable as you continue writing. It is a rule of thumb to take a new line or two for when a new character is speaking. However, if one character has already said a lot and needs to say more, try to place some narration in the middle, such as what the narrator is feeling right now. Well this is long enough already, but hopefully it contains something you can learn from. I do hope you continue writing though, especially as some form of writing experience is invaluable to an artist; it prevents them from creating shallow characters that are nothing more than ornaments.
Again, sorry for taking so long and feel free to get back to me if there's anything you don't find fair/don't understand. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="38" height="15" alt="
" title="Hug"/>- Natalie.